Saya adalah Peniup Balon

Salah satu judul novel yang ditulis oleh John Green berjudul Paper Town, atau Kota Kertas. Dikisahkan dalam novel in tentang seorang anak remaja bernama Quentin yang sepanjang novel berusaha untuk mencari Margo yang hilang setelah kali pertama dan terakhir mereka menghabiskan waktu bersama sejak sebeumnya tidak pernah berbicara selama sekian tahun.

Ide utama dalam novel ini adalah sesuatu yang sangat saya amini. Tentang jatuh cinta bukan pada orang yang sebenarnya, melainkan pada khayalan kita tentang sosoknya. Saya mengamininya dalam beberapa artian. Pertama, saya tahu benar bahwa saya adalah sosok Quentin: seseorang yang selalu mengagumi dari kejauhan, tanpa pernah benar-benar berinteraksi dengan orang yang saya kagumi. Menganggap semua informasi yang saya dapatkan melalui interaksi terbatas yang cukup singkat sudah cukup sebagai sumber informasi untuk menggambarkkan orang tersebut.

Dan yang kedua, saya tahu benar bahwa yang saya lakukan kesalahan lain yang saya lakukan berulang-ulang dalam hidup saya. Bahwa John Green benar. Di akhir novelnya (spoiler), Margo menjelaskan dirinya dan membuat Quentin/Q sadar, Q selama ini mengagumi sosok Margo yang ia ciptakan, tapi ia tidak mengenal Margo yang sebenarnya.

Cukup banyak saya bertemu dengan orang-orang yang memukau, yang bersinar, yang membuat saya silau dan dibutakan oleh ide-ide yang saya bangun atas kekaguman saya. Cukup banyak juga puisi dan prosa yang saya buat, berisi deskripsi orang-orang ini, diiringi harapaan untuk mengenal mereka lebih jauh lagi.

Tapi pada akhirnya, saya selalu menemukan bahwa saya berusaha mencengkram memori yang semakin lama semakin memudar. Karena pertemuan singkat, kesempatan yang terbatas, dan ketidakberanian untuk menginvasi personal space orang lain. Saya menemukan diri saya berusaha mempertahankan kenangan-kenangan yang semakin lama semakin membesar namun memudar, seperti balon yang berekspansi tapi sebenarnya bendanya ya itu-itu saja. Kenangan berbahan dasar interpretasi, bukan interaksi. Kenangan-kenangan saya memfiksi.

Tak heran jika saya pada akhirnya selalu mudah merelakan.


Read a Book and Get Drown



I recently I think that reading is not an easy thing to do. Consciously. The act of reading is basically allowing yourself to be caught in someone else’s mind. A certain someone that you hardly knew, yet you surrender your brain to be colored by their perspective. Knowingly or unknowingly.

Which makes me think that reading a book could be a dangerous thing. Because, you know, not every book is a good book. There are those nasty stuff that forces you to see something differently while really it just a clever word play. If you read it unconsciously, or more accurately perhaps, unknowingly, without critically evaluating it, it is scary how one can be carried away just like that by a single book.

That’s why it really is important to read A LOT of books. Just so you know, everyone has theory of the own. And everyone is a lot of ones, even though not every one of them could publish a book.

But arguing about how dangerous it is not to read a lot of books is not what I want to really write. I was just carried away because I was talking about knowingly/unknowingly reading a book. I actually want to talk about knowingly read a book. So sorry for the detour.

I have read somewhere that one of the worst kind of writer is if  those who could be seen/understood by the reader. Well, the fact that this opinion was not warranted by anything does not let my illogical mind to let it go.  still want to disagree with the statement ore, more correctly, I want to talk about the significance of understanding someone through their writing.

There are people who wants to be understood, and then they write something, There are also others who just want to tell a story. For the firs kind, it is a big achievement if someone really could understand them. But for the second one well I’m not really sure.

But let me guide you through this path.

So, as I mentioned before,  reading a book is dangerous. Because you let someone get into your head and messed up (to put it lightly, change) the way of your thinking. But this interaction is not a one way activity. Even though it is not reciprocal, in a way that you can’t influence the writer during reading activity, you still doing a conversation with the writer.

And just like most conversation, if you quite observant, you can always deduce something from someone who talk for so long.

But why is it important to know about the writer?

Well, it could help you to paint your own version of the writer, and decide to what extent you’re going to let the writer to color your thought.

We often create our own version of an individual, an idea of a certain someone. Just like when we were in love to a senpai that we never actually talk with, but we always listen when they lectured us about club activity (sorry that this writing suddenly brought a weeabo vibe).

And I believe, at some point, we registered a writers quality unconsciously at the back of our mind. This explain those times when people could recognize a certain writer from a peculiar sets of sentences. Because the words used are ‘just like him/her’.

Isn’t it kind of amazing, that we get to know someone without actually know or meet them.

Although, it has been protested to create an idea of someone by a certain Green (in his book called Paper Town, and somehow also in Looking for Alaska, I believe) , since it could mislead us into believing that our ideas are the most true, I think as a human, we have been relying in our ability to construct something based on incomplete information. (Oh my god, what is this sentence? Too long).

At the end of the day we never know how true our understanding abut the world. But as long as it could be use to help make sense/understand the world, I don’t see any problem in it.

And understanding people is no different. We get to know them through conversation. And when we could not meet some people because space and time barrier, a book could be a magic window to get to know the person. Or if not a book, a simple, short, piece of writing, considering not everyone could write a book.

At the end of the day, we just want to know about this amazing lady* who build a magical world about a boy with scar in his forehead of the man** who scared so much that books may disappear from this world.


NB. I think it is clear who I meant by those people right? But in case  is not, then they are:

* J.K Rowling; and. **Ray Bradbury

NB 2. This is not a good piece of writing. It is more like my musing, I guess. Thanks to my muse, I’m going to read your writings just to find a piece of you in this vast world, no thanks to time and space.


Banjar-ish Bahasa Indonesia

Actually I realized that lately it’s easier to me to find time for writing over unimportant things.I think it’s just me looking for excuses to procrastinate on doing things that I should be doing instead: university application, learning IELTS and GRE, writing post about #BPRI.

But still, suka suka gue laaaah. hahaha! (Warning: Do not do this at home).

So, tonight I met 2 friends, Haihai and a Novita (her family, we just met). I We talked quite a lot. Mostly about my scholarship. Both of them familiar and fluent with English, and I think they talk to each other with Bahasa Indonesia. But they are Banjarese.

As for me, I kinda enjoy talking in Bahasa Banjar. It makes me feel humble and down to earth(I think it is the adjective word that becomes obsession for my self image). Ppppffftttt….. ke laut aja lo.

I talked funnily with them. I realized that they tend to talk in Bahasa Indonesia and English, but I replied them with Bahasa Banjar/Indonesia/English.

Time passed just with me talking for a very long time. In the middle of the conversation, I think my consciousness knocking over my linguistic part of my brain and telling myself that: hey! Banjarese accent could be used to talk in Bahasa Indonesia.

I was talking like this: jadi kan,// saat kami ke desa,// kami harus pakai masker tu nah, // supaya nggak kemasukan debu.

Okay, if you are Banjarese, you might probably thinking that the above talk is quite funny.

But then I think this is how to use Banjarese particle in Bahasa Indonesia (+accent). With funny accentuation in several words, we might someday develop banjar-ish Bahasa Indonesia.

Why is this important?

This is important because we need to state our presence in Indonesian people. So Indonesian won;t only talk about Dayak when they talk about Borneo. Borneo has Banjar too. Bunch of funny people who speak loudly with veeery distinctive accent that others can’t imitate.


because I said so.


Written by a girl who is procrastinating her bedtime.

Daniel Handler a.k.a Lemony Snicket

I just feel like writing. Dunno why, but may the force make us live long and prosper *then killed by nerds for mixing 2 sentences*

I like Daniel Handler, he wrote Series of Unfortunate Events with pen name Lemony Snicket. One thing I like from him because he knows how to play with words. In Indonesia, he could be similar to Aan Mansyur.

“The end of THE END is the best place to begin THE END, because if you read THE END from the beginning of the beginning of THE END to the end of the end of THE END, you will arrive at THE END.”

Lemony Snicket-The End

Other reasons, because he’s so bittersweet when he writes about love. As Lemony Snicket, He love Beatrice, deceased woman whom he always remember in every occasions and writings. Let me take some quotes from his 13 volume books.

To Beatrice –

darling, dearest, dead.


For Beatrice –

When we were together I felt breathless.

Now you are.

then he also write a book specially for Beatrice, titled Beatrice Letters. Here are some quotes:

Everything. A letter may be coded, and a word may be coded. A theatrical performance may be coded, and a sonnet may be coded, and there are times when it seems the entire world is in code. Some believe that the world can be decoded by performing research in a library. Others believe that the world can be decoded by reading a newspaper. In my case, the only thing that made sense of the world was you, and without you the world will seem as garbled and tragic as a malfunctioning typewrit9.


“I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.”

Then as Daniel Handler

“I have a dream of what would have happened if what happened instead hadn’t.”

Make you think twice doesn’t he? Isn’t he brilliant!!?

At times, when I need escape route, I look for his quotes and sometimes, Neil Gaiman’s. They’re bold, witty, forward, but then again, they’re true. Other times, I’d prefer Arab Poets, Dee, or Goenawan Mohamad.

Anyone who is interested in him could look him up at Goodreads or better, read his books!

Mimpi yang Salah

Sewaktu kita kecil, biasanya ada saja orang dewasa yang mendekat sambil tersenyum lalu bertanya, “nanti kalau sudah gede mau jadi apa?”

kemudian beberapa dari kita akan menjawab, Astronot! sebagian yang lain menjawab, Guru! Pilot! Polisi! Dokter! Presiden! Bajak Laut! (Mungkin dia baru saja di selamatkan oleh Shanks si rambut merah).

Saat itu rasanya tidak pernah dengar ada yang bilang, PNS!

Kemudian dari hari ke hari kita semakin mengenal dengan dunia. Kita diajari untuk terus berjalan di tempat yang aman, kita diajari bahwa mimpi hanyalah bunga tidur, dan pertanyaan tentang cita-cita hanyalah bagian dari masa TK, jenjang pendidikan yang ijazahnya saja tidak pernah diminta saat kita kuliah. Kita diminta untuk mulai memahami bahwa orang tua kita bekerja membanting tulang untuk kita dan kita harus tahu diri, untuk tidak menuntut terlalu banyak.

dan sebagian besar dari kita mulai menyerah kepada kebutuhan yang semakin hari-semakin menunjukkan kuasanya pada kita. Uang.

Beberapa dari kita akan mengakuinya tanpa ragu bahwa memang benar, pada akhirnya yang ada di kepala kita–misalnya bagi yang sudah lulus kuliah, atau yang sudah mengecap kepahitan hidup dari umur yang lebih dini–adalah bagaimana caranya untuk mendapatkan uang untuk menyambung hidup di esok hari. Teriakan keras  penuh semangat dari mulut kita ketika kita menyebutkan “Astronot!” saat berumur 5 tahun itu kini sudah tak terdengar lagi gaungnya. Cita-cita kita sekarang berubah, ingin jadi kaya, dan hidup enak.

Menjadi materialistis adalah hal yang wajar, normal. Ketika ada orang yang menunjukkan sifat altruistik kuat, yang membuatnya seakan-akan tidak peduli uang, orang-orang yang dekat dengannya akan khawatir dan mengingatkannya, “mau jadi apa nanti kalau kamu tidak fokus untuk kerja dan cari uang?”

Orang seperti ini banyak, dan tulisan ini tidak bermaksud untuk menyalahkan mereka. Benar, di dunia ini kita tidak bisa hidup tanpa uang.

Kemudian kita melihat dengan kacamata yang lain, yang lebih blur, yang menutupi pandangan kita dari instagram teman yang berisi foto berjemur di pantai pribadi di Bali, yang check in Path di Maldives dan  mengirim status melalui handphone Samsung S5. Kita melihat Indonesia, dan setiap orang yang memanjat tangga sosial tanpa peduli menilik ke bawah. Bawah tempat anak-anak tak cuukup gizi menangis karena sakitnya tak segera diobati di rumah sakit yang lebih memprioritaskan orang-orang dengan kocek yang lebih banyak. Bawah tempat nenek yang mencuri buah dikenakan hukum yang lebih berat daripada koruptor dan penjahat HAM. Bawah, tempat mereka yang berada di perbatasan terluar Indonesia yang mendapatkan kesenjangan fasilitas. Bawah tempat daerah-daerah rawan konflik seperti Poso.

Kita telah salah memilih mimpi.

Kenapa kamu ingin jadi dokter? Supaya bisa mengobati orang sakit.

Berapa banyak anak seperti ini yang tetap konsisten menjadi dokter? Dan berapa banyak alasan seperti ini masih menjadi dasar praktek-praktek mereka sehari-hari?

Kenapa kamu ingin jadi polisi? Supaya bisa mengobati menangkap orang jahat.

Berapa banyak polisi-polisi kecil ini yang terus konsisten dengan alasan mulia mereka.

Berapa banyak pula yang sudah berubah menjadi pemburu harta sambil disaat bersamaan menginjak-injak masyarakat yang seharusnya mereka layani?

Ketika kita melakukan pekerjaan kita karena hati, maka rezeki akan mengikuti. Jika tidak berupa uang, mungkin dalam bentuk lain yang membawa kepada kebahagian yang lebih baik. Jika tidak di dunia, mungkin di kehidupan selanjutnya.

Luruskan mimpimu. Jika mimpimu adalah untuk mengabdi, maka mengabdilah. Jika bukan, maka pastikan saat kau mewujudkan mimpimu, kamu mampu memberikan kebaikan pada orang lain dan bukan sebaliknya.



Tulisan ini di buat, bukan untuk menggurui, namun untuk mengingatkan diriku sendiri, bahwa kebaikan yang dapat dilakukan tanpa menunggu jadi orang kaya sejahtera. 

About this Fictions….

So I’m writing these weird fictions now. It’s just my way to express my self and LEARNING ENGLISH. So I hope that explains why it have bad grammars here and there.

I will try to improve my english skill.

And I also use Arashi’s song as the title. I think i will keep using the songs title for my fiction. I kind of really like Arashi and their song until the point where I want to makes some connection to them. With this, I think I create the bond, at least for myself. Hehe.


02. Love Situation

He brushed his arms to her. It’s unknown whether it’s intentionally or on purpose. But she was anxious. Nobody could read anyone’s mind, but she liked to pretend like she did. Then, her mind playing her some tricks.

Why’d he did that? 

He’s so close

Did he realize that this distance is exceptionally too close?

Wait he did that again…

Now he’s humming,

No, he’s singing…..

Wait seriously?? 

This is very sweet if he’s really trying to tell me something

Should I do something too

I’m so anxious!

Nobody could read anyone’s mind. But her mind unconciously faked it to her, that, what she thought of him was true. She never wrong when reading about normal stuffs before, so there’s no special reason that this is not right.

She let her mind playing tricks in her head.

She’s really fond of magicians too, maybe that explains a lot.